The holidays are upon us
Do difficult relatives ruin your holidays year after year? Some have proclaimed a few weeks before Thanksgiving that the family gathering would be ruined as usual because of a sister-in-law, husband, and meddlesome nephew. Many have a defeatist attitude and plan to engage in a full battle and go to war with those despicable in-laws.
I am reminded from previous conversations that you can’t change the other person, but by changing your approach you could get a more favorable response and experience. Try to pretend this is the first time you are are meeting you family. Welcome them into her home and as the hostess, keep the conversation light.
You still have the right to set boundaries and enforce with the misbehaving nephew if the parents don’t. You may want to try switching to other locations for the Thanksgiving feast to share in the responsibilities of the organization of this holiday. Even though the relatives expected to have this celebration at your home does not mean that you are stuck in a rut forever? Have you considered going out to dinner. There are plenty of places now where you can have a tasty turkey dinner and more.
Many people do succeed in letting go of their battle gear and having a good time. The in-laws can respond favorably to your relaxed body language, and having to control the obnoxious nephew can be easier because both you and her husband enforced the boundaries. They turned a deaf ear to his constant whining.
Here are specific examples of how hot buttons are pushed based on the four perceptual styles: Audio, Feeler, Visual, and Wholistic. In each instance the person is operating through his or her Limiting Tendencies rather than Empowering Tendencies. Therefore they are reactive and hope to get a reaction from you. Following each example is a remedy for defusing the situation.
Audio: Uncle Bob is always argumentative. He claims he is just playing the Devil’s Advocate. But eventually it triggers a shouting match because he is also sarcastic. Uncle Bob wants to evoke a reaction because simmering beneath the surface is anger and he’s looking for a way to vent. Once you react, he’s won! He now has an excuse to shout to intimidate you. He uses his temper to control others.
Remedy: When you start seeing red, take a deep breath and assess the situation. If you can leave the room, do so to calm down. There is always a reason to go into the kitchen, whether it’s to check on the food or to get a glass of water. If you feel you would be deserting the guests if you got up and went into the kitchen, change the subject. If appropriate, tell a joke—getting everyone laughing is a great way to defuse the situation.
Feeler: Aunt Jane enjoys being the martyr. The driving force behind her indignation is, “After all I’ve done for you and this is all the appreciation I get?” So she will tell you her tale of woe or all of her worries. Her subconscious goal is for you to feel sorry for her and maybe even wallow with her in her self-pity—misery does love company!
Remedy: Sometimes just quietly listening to her is all she needs. She wants to pour out all her problems and worries. Then steer the conversation to things she has been doing. Sincerely compliment her on her accomplishments, no matter how small. She just wants to feel needed and appreciated. If she offers to help, by all means accept it!
Visual: John is frustrated with his life. It’s just not turning out the way he had envisioned it. Subconsciously he wants you to feel as frustrated as he is. He might attack ideas with “No, it’ll never work.” Or he might slip into a funk and use the silent treatment: “If you don’t know what’s bothering me, I’m not going to tell you.” Either of those actions can frustrate you!
Remedy: Realize it’s a game to control you. Keep that smile on your face when you say, “I’m really sorry, John, that you aren’t having a good day. Hope you feel better soon.” Then walk away. If it’s at the dinner table, change the subject or turn your attention to someone else.
Wholistic: For years Chris has expressed resentment that she hasn’t gotten her just rewards. She should have gotten that promotion, but then what do you expect? There is a glass ceiling for women! This resentment triggers irritability and moodiness. So sometimes Chris goes off and sulks. With a sour look on her face she withdraws from the others. She secretly likes the thought that others might be wondering what’s her problem. “Good, let them wonder.” When she joins the others for the holiday dinner, she manipulates the conversation so she can impose her opinion about why life isn’t fair.
Remedy: Let her sulk. It’s not your problem! Otherwise when she becomes negatively opinionated, you can quickly defuse the situation by saying, “You are entitled to your opinion. You brought up some points that I will have to think about.” End of conversation! Even though you disagree, don’t get into an argument with her. You will not win!
If you believe certain relatives will ruin the holiday again because they always do, you’re setting yourself up for failure. You’ll get what you anticipate. So throw away the battle gear and bring out the good cheer. It is possible to have “Happy Holidays.”
